Dads often spend their time in the workplace solving problems and being evaluated on results. When they come home at the end of the day, they have a tendency to approach their family in the same way.

But wives and children generally don’t like to be treated like problems to be solved! Tensions rise when family members long to be heard and known, but dad meets them with ways to fix their problems instead. Their negative reaction can be perplexing to fathers who believe they are offering helpful suggestions and guidance.

One father shared that his 16-year-old daughter came home from school crying one day. Not only had her boyfriend dumped her, he was planning to ask her girlfriend for a date! Listening to his daughter’s anguish, several responses sprang to mind. He was tempted to tell her he never liked the guy anyway and that he thought she could find someone much better. He also thought she was too young to have a boyfriend and needed to spend her time studying instead.

However, because he had been attending parenting classes, he knew this was a moment when empathy was more important than advice. Even though it seemed like pouring gasoline on a fire, he decided to give it a try and said, "Wow! That must have really hurt. You think he’s going to start dating your girlfriend instead? That’s got to be tough."

"It’s horrible! I’m supposed to go to a party this weekend and everyone will be there. It’s so humiliating."

Again, he fought the urge to offer solutions and simply said, "That sounds really difficult, honey. What do you think you’re going to do?" A long silence followed. Although tempted to fill it with words, he held his tongue.

And he was amazed when she finally spoke and said, "I don’t know, Daddy, but thanks for listening to me."

Michelle Groff

Principles into Practice